Let’s face it, my dog is probably (okay, IS) retarded

Alas, while I have known for some time that my spastic but adorable puppy Mugsy is not what you might call “gifted” in the matter of, well, grey matter, I am recently forced to consider the possibility that he may indeed actually be mentally retarded. Severely mentally retarded, or in today’s politically correct lingo, mentally challenged. I say this not because of the annoying but typical behaviors puppies might engage in, such as chewing, running off with your freshly laundered socks and hiding them underneath the couch to be retrieved at a later date (then forgetting them), or even misunderstanding the word “toy” to mean, not his ball or stuffed animal or bone which he is given outright, but rather, anything that belongs to you and you care about. No, I say this because of the following persistent, troublesome behavior regularly engaged in by Mugsy.

When he’s let outside to do his business and placed on his long yard-lead, he proceeds immediately to run with vigor and purpose off into the grass and straight for the wooden pole that at one time, this being an old farm, was probably some sort of wooden farm pole. He has no interest in the pole itself, he just wants to be in that general vicinity. He dodges left, then right, then left, and so on and so forth, so that in a matter of ten seconds or less (yes, I’ve timed him), he has wrapped himself around the pole so many times that he is on the verge of strangling. No amount of demonstrating on my part about how to back track, no visual cues, commands or attention grabbing words (you fucking idiot! still leaves him unfazed) have any effect on him. Nor has he learned to avoid the pole, or simply to walk in a straight line. Even allowing him a few minutes to figure it out for himself is a complete waste of everyone’s time, not to mention an assault on our ears, as he proceeds to howl from the moment he realizes what has happened until someone, typically me, heads over to him to relieve him of his predicament.

Now this is bad enough. But when he’s released from his pole bondage condition (I expect the sexually adventurous among you are wondering if he might actually seek out this pole bondage, however I assure you, this is not the case), he makes a beeline straight back into the house, where, because he didn’t do his business outside like he was supposed to, he finds himself obliged, with all due haste and ceremony, to pee right smack in the middle of the floor (never mind those pesky newspapers put down for the very purpose of catching just such accidents.)

Now there are other behaviors as well which call into question Mugsy’s mental acumen, but I’ll spare you the gory details. I’ll just say this. If there were a laboratory test whereby a family pet could be hooked up to electrodes that would flash and glow at the merest hint of brain activity, I fear Mugsy’s headgear would remain depressingly un-lit, no matter the angle, snugness of fit, or duration of its attachment.

Fortunately for Mugsy, he has something going for him which, coincidentally, seems to serve the human community equally well. No matter how unintelligent he is, how stubbornly disobedient or pathologically obtuse, he’s got that cuteness factor working in his favor. Sort of the ‘dumb blonde’ deal. I can only wonder if, like humans do, he’ll lose his looks with age. Then I’ll be left with a retarded dog who isn’t even cute.

Oi. I’d rather not think about that right now.

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5 Responses to “Let’s face it, my dog is probably (okay, IS) retarded”

  1. There is no other choice..
    Kill Mugsy!!

  2. I wouldn’t call myself wildly sexually adventurous — but I have to know… What is a pole bondage condition…? And where can I buy one?

  3. Alantru – it was a reference to the dog being bound to the pole by wrapping himself (via the leash) around it again and again. Thanks for stopping by.

    B., I’m working on it… as we speak I’m researching tasteless, odorless poisons which can’t be detected by even the most inquisitive veterinarian…

  4. Human beings meddling in the natural order has created quite a lot of this retarded behavior. Sadly, not just in dogs. Once predation is no longer a factor, the slow ones survive and start to breed… oh dear…

  5. Meddling must be a universal human trait, as a species we seem to find the temptation irresistable.

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