Archive for fears

Old Favorites Revisited: Episode One: Mowing After Dark

Posted in Prose with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2010 by 1writegirl

I wear a silver chain around my neck bearing a Chinese character; the year of my birth. I don’t take it off to shower, or sleep, or jog or even when I mow the grass, which is after dark. Long after everyone else has put their lawn care products away and retired to the sanctuary of porches, living rooms, and television screens.

I mow quietly, my push reel mower making only a low, humming sound, and as I mow, I talk out loud to someone who isn’t here. I ask him questions and tell him just exactly what I’m thinking as I feel my way across the yard, around the edges and trees. “Love is a tightrope,” I tell him. I can see him in my mind balanced precariously, and I know if I love him too much, he will fall off, just like he will if I don’t love him enough. This is a test, and I wonder if there is a way to cram for it. I wonder, too, if it’s the kind of test you can re-take if you fail, and who decides these things.

By the time the moon is high in the sky I am finished, sweating in spite of the cool night air, sitting on the front step with my fingers wrapped around the necklace: caress, release, caress, release, like a dance or part of a rosary bead benediction. It strikes me that life is like mowing after dark, feeling your way as you go, with the likelihood you’ll run over something sharp increasing the longer you’re out there.

It represents something, this necklace, which is why I never take it off. Not a promise, or a dream, not even a wish for what might have been. Some might call it a memory. Others folly. Patience is a virtue, while stubbornness a sin. Is there a difference? I call it hope and it lives in a place between two hearts, where the grass only grows after dark.

Baring Down

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2009 by 1writegirl

I seem to want
Less and less
Each day

Fewer possessions
To tie me down
Fewer thoughts
Of what if

Fewer hopes
Fewer dreams
Tired truisms
Unquestioned
Ideas

Less guidance
From
Without

I want to meet
My fears
Expose them
To the light
Relieve them
Of their power

I want
Good coffee
Something
Sweet to eat
I want
A warm bed
A good book

A worthy conversation
With someone
I respect

I want
To pay the bills

I want to write raw
Down to the bone
From the soul
The truth
No matter what
Without caring to
Please anyone

I want to shadow dance
In his kitchen
With a snake
On my arm
In an amber light

Wearing only a hat

One By One

Posted in Meanderings, Poetry with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2009 by 1writegirl

One by one
I pull them out
Write them down

Dissect them

My fears that keep me
Prisoner

Some petty
Some deep seeded
Some uglier than others

Some caked in blood
Forty years old

Some small
I fear I’ll get a cavity
And not have the money
To fill it

Closest to the surface
Easiest to find

Some large
Not wanting
To see the light of day

I fear I’m not worth loving
If the one I want
Doesn’t want me

All of them need
Recognition

It’s slow
Tedious
Painful
Exhausting

They resist
They come out
Kicking and screaming
Comfortable
In their darkness
In my denial

They rejoice
In quietly
Consuming me
Like disease in a
Passive host

But I dig them out
One by one
And let them crawl
All over me
Call them by name
So I can see them
For what they really are
From whence they came

My only chance
At dissolution

My only chance
To find my
Peace
Within
Rather than without

To release them of
Their power over me
And set them free
Free to go

One by one

The Prism

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2009 by 1writegirl

Why do you stay with me?
He asked
In a voice wracked with pain

You know why
She replied
Though she could have asked
That question herself
In the seductive shadow of sleep

She sometimes wonders
Why she stays
When he rarely seeks her out
And needs her even less

When he won’t let her cross
The threshold
To that place free of
Have-to’s and fears

But between the lines
Behind three little words
Is the answer to his question

The truth lies there, a prism
In colors of intricate depth

She stays

Because to be close to him
In any way he’ll let her
Brings her moments of

Simple, perfect peace
In a life of chaos and strife

Because he’s teaching her
What it means
To accept someone

Completely

For everything they are
And everything they are not

Because he won’t lie to her

Because she can make him laugh

Because it’s okay in his presence
To say not a single

Word

Because she’s learning how
To trust
After having been betrayed

Because he tells her
She is one
Of only three people on earth
He can speak to
From brain to mouth

Which gives her courage
To reciprocate
To confide any thoughts she has

Even ones he might wish
She didn’t

Because in his arms
She understands freedom
And can’t imagine
Another man’s kiss

Because he’s hard
Rough
Gentle
Sweet
Bitter
Angry
Loveable
Tormented
Brilliant
Weak
Hopeless
Loving
Strong
Insecure
Hopeful
Imbalanced
Honest
Broken
Real

He makes her crazy
Yet he touches her
In places she needs to be touched
Where no one else can reach

Because with him
She’s a better person
Than she could ever be
Without

Because he’s
Her best friend
And one of these days
He might look at her

And see that she is his

And then
She won’t need to ask him

Why do you stay with me?

Cover

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2009 by 1writegirl

angels

Curl up in my wings
For as long
As you need

I’ll cover you

I’ll make not a sound
I’ll guard against trespass
Surround you with downy embrace

I’ll block out the light
Tend to your wounds

With my body I’ll take on
The driving wind
With my soul the demons
Relentless

I’ll fight for your reprieve

In the shadows of possibility
I’ll sway to the beat of your heart
Bearing only the weight of
A silver snake

Bartered for the price of
An unfettered moment
Guileless, ghostless and free

And when the inevitable happens
When fate takes me aside
Ordaining without preamble
My turn to come undone

When my fears slide greedily
Over the transom
In wraiths of
Perpetual motion

When I’m battered
Bruised, too weary
And you
Are the only place
Safe left for me

Curl me up in your wings
For as long
As I need

Curl me up and

Cover me

I Will

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2009 by 1writegirl

I will

Tell you if you have green stuff stuck in your teeth

Never ask you to live in a house
With a white picket fence

Respect your need for solitude

Dance for you…

I will

Be flexible

Speak from brain to mouth
Without filtration

Massage your tired body

Not pretend
Neither shape
Nor expect…

I will

Always love Mamita
Even when she’s old and sick

Care what you think
Feel
Want

Cover you

Trust you…

I will

Help you when I can

Remain your biggest fan

Look you in the eye

Hold what you can give and
Give what you can hold…

I will

Always be on your side

After I Am Gone

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , , , , on June 17, 2009 by 1writegirl

In the space between our lips
In the time it takes to kiss me
Will you miss me
After I am gone

In the faint indentation
Left behind on your pillow
Will you bury your face
Will you breathe ever deep

The lingering essence of me

Will you trace the shape of my body
In the hollow crook of your arm
Will you remember how it felt to hold me there

In the rustling reedy wind
Will you hear my voice calling
My laugh an old tune that echoes in your head

Long after you have laughed it away

And on balmy summer breezes
Will you sense my caress
Will my warmth stay with you
Long past the chill of midnight

Will you miss my faith
Will you miss my hope
Will you miss my loathing
Of life with out you

Will you miss the way I look at you
and sigh the sigh of the gifted
To realize the bounty your breath bestows
To a heart so jaded yet daring by bewilder
Convicted of crimes it would not commit

In the end
When I’m gone
When all that remains
Is whatever you choose to remember

Will you miss me long enough
To wish I’d come back
Will you try and find me
Will you love me enough

Will you cry
When you realize

I am gone

Haiku #13: Walk with me

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2009 by 1writegirl

Come sleep beside me
Lose your fear of what’s unknown
If only till dawn

Take a walk with me
Let your hand remember mine
If only till noon

Eat and drink with me
Laugh, talk or make not a sound
If only till dusk